I identify as agender. Now, you may be thinking, “But Amanda, what does that mean? Also, I have known you for a long time, why is this not something we’ve talked about?”
There are a lot of different people with different ways of being agender, but for me, it is this:
When I think about myself, it is not in terms of gender. I recognize it in others, especially if it’s a facet of their identity that’s important to them, but if you asked me to describe myself, none of the terms I would use are gendered. The only time I think of myself as a gendered being is when I have to indicate on a form or use a public restroom. The rest of the time, I’m just me, and any feminine or masculine traits I may possess are incidental. It’s a bit hard to describe.
I wear feminine clothing because it tends to fit me better, and dresses make my legs feel breezy. I’ll wear makeup sometimes because I have more “feminine bone structure,” and makeup makes me feel better about the way I look. Most people assume I’m a cisgender woman, and I’m fine with that.
I don’t talk about it very much because it’s not an issue for me. Gender isn’t part of how I see myself, but if it’s part of how you see me, that doesn’t bother me. I’ve been fortunate enough not to experience any significant dysmorphia in this area, so it’s not triggering when people talk about me in gendered terms.
I just don’t have a gender identity, but if people want to use gender to describe me, that’s their prerogative. I am in no way trying to belittle people whose gender identities are important to them, or who are hurt or offended when people refer to them in incorrect terms. If someone casts aspersions upon part of my identity that I feel is integral to me, I would certainly react the same way, and I do feel offended when other people’s gender identities are called into question. It’s a very personal thing, and having someone attack that is incredibly damaging. But for me, using incorrect terminology is more irritating than actually harmful.
For me, being called a girl or “she” is being called something that isn’t true, but isn’t negative or hurtful. I usually let it go, because it saves me from having to explain all of this. When I hear someone refer to me as “she”, sometimes it will take me a second to realize that they’re talking about me, and it’s annoying when people make assumptions about me based on their belief that I’m female, but that’s about it.
I’m not sure if this will make sense to people, but I just thought I should address it. I’m more than happy to answer any questions. I am in no way trying to speak for all agender people. Everyone experiences their identity in a different way, and agender is more of an umbrella term than a concise description.
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